Monthly Archives: August 2011

19. Baltimore Ravens

The Ravens’ jerseys have great potential.

1. Their mascot is a raven, one of the coolest birds out there. Check out its mythology section on Wikipedia if you don’t believe me. Also: The Raven (duh).
2. Purple and black look great against white. I’m no fashion guru, but even I can see the potential.
3. They have Ray Lewis, who instantly makes any uniform 10x more intimidating, even if he is past his prime.

But, like the Titans, they have opted to go with the partial dual spike stripes across the middle/front of the helmet, and their logo stinks.

It also doesn’t help that Baltimore Raven offense can be characterized by the above picture. Luckily, the defense is summed up by the one below.

I'm a Raven, and I'muh gunna get'choo. Boogity boogity!

So here’s my problem: why do they have to put that dadblasted “B” everywhere?

Get it off the side of the pants. It’s ugly.

Get it off the Raven’s head. It’s ugly.

And which of these two travesties is your logo? The bird?

Or the shield?

Trick question! It doesn’t matter — they’re both ugly.

The raven head has the big ugly B and the ugly, thick yellow stroke. The shield looks like it’s trying (and failing) to be medieval-ish. Neither works. Do something else.

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21. Denver Broncos

I remember when the Broncos first unveiled their current uniforms in 1997. I thought they were the coolest things I had ever seen. They had stripes like I’d never seen on a typical NFL uniform. They had a cooler horse logo. They almost took their place as my second-favorite team solely because of those uniforms. I wanted everyone to be as progressive in Denver with their jersey renovations.

Today, they take their place alongside carpenter jeans and backwards caps. I understand they were cool, but their now the jeans are dated (unless you actually do carpentry work) and if you turn your hat backwards, you’re probably a rabid UFC addict (take that as you will).

The Broncos made it to the Super Bowl four times (’77, ’86, ’87, ’89), and failed each time. When they changed to their current jerseys in 1997, they won their first Super Bowl (and won again the next year for good measure). Interpretation: they’re probably never changing these uniforms, right? Well, sort of — they’re keeping the style, but changing the primary home jerseys from navy blue to their traditional orange.

But currently, this is what we’re getting:

Well, not Tebow...I meant the navy blue.

Home Depot gloves

2012: back to orange

With the return to orange in 2012, and the fact that their logo is still really, really cool, I’m willing to say that the Broncos will be doing a lot better in another year.

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22. St. Louis Rams

With the Colts finishing off my “Blah” division, we now move into the largest of the six sets, the “Mediocre” division. These are the teams whose uniforms aren’t really terrible, but they’re not really good. They’re kind of just there.

Here come the Rams.

I toyed with the idea of dropping the Rams into the Blah division, but finally settled them here since their uniforms really aren’t that bad. What almost pushed them down? Their nasty habit of not settling on a stinking regular combination (AKA Oregon Duck Syndrome)…

They’re navy. They’ve got shiny gold(ish). They’ve got clean white. No problem, right?

They’re just not that great. They’re not bad — don’t get me wrong. They’re just the epitome of mediocrity.

Also, I miss their old uniforms:

They were blue. They were yellow. They were LOUD.

And they were so much better. You could glance at a distant television screen at a restaurant and instantly know you were watching the St. Louis Rams. They were distinct, but no longer. Now we have this attempt at elegance that becomes just as boring as most things labeled “elegant” and “upgraded.” Give me the old uniforms, and St. Louis gets bumped up ten spots.

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23. Indianapolis Colts

You know those timelessly classic uniforms I keep referring to time and time again in this blog series? The ones that have never changed, should never change, and might cause mass riots in their cities if anyone ever dares to touch them?

This isn’t one of them.

The uniforms for the Indianapolis Colts are not really “bad” at all — they’re just incredibly boring, which strangely fits Peyton Manning’s appearance. He looks like the dad next door who mows his lawn at 7:30 AM every Saturday morning. Sure, his commercials can be funny, but his haircut looks like it hasn’t changed since he took his kindergarten pictures.

Blue...white...and that's it.

Part of the problem is that their uniforms literally feature two colors. As is usually the case, uniforms featuring one color are referred to as 1902 football uniforms, two colors are basic and “blah,” three colors are standard, four colors are teetering on too much, and five colors are for San Francisco parade costumes.

The Colts are stuck in blah-land. Not only that, but they are using the worst possible striping layout: the two-stripe shoulder pattern.

Toeing the line between “classy and clean” and “boring as hock,” the Colts unfortunately fall flat onto their face into the latter.

This moment seems exciting until your realize Dallas Clark is wearing a Colts jersey

Lastly, the logo…

Yes. It’s a horseshoe.

From the Colts’ Wikipedia page:

The Colts’ logo and uniforms have remained the same since the team’s debut in 1953.

Hint, hint.

Also, just in case you’ve never seen ManningFace.com, you’re welcome.

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24. Philadelphia

Look, I’m trying to be unbiased in this list. I really am.

But I really hate the Eagles. I know the Cowboys’ primary rivals are the Redskins, but I don’t hate the Redskins nearly as badly as I hate the Eagles. There’s something about the entire organization that I can barely stomach. The only two bright spots are Andy Reid and Michael Vick’s redemption story. Everything else reeks.

This is just speculation on my part, but I’m confident that at least 60% of their roster is demon possessed.

Putting my bias aside, I still believe the Eagles’ current uniforms are disgusting, and I’m certain that the majority of residents outside of Pennsylvania would agree.

I am so glad DeSean Jackson plays for the Eagles.

So easy to hate.

In fairness, I have two things to say about the Eagles:

1. Their logo is pretty nifty.

2. Their older uniforms (with a much more palatable shade of green) are loads better.

...too bad the helmet is worse.

 

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25. Carolina Panthers

Let’s say you’re starting a new team. You want your uniforms to be intimidating in order to prove to everyone that you’re serious about this football thing. What colors will you choose for your uniforms?

Black! To show them we’re aggressive and determined!

What else?

Blue! It’s a masculine color!

What else!

Accent it with silver! It’s almost like black! More aggression! ARRGGHHH!!!

Carolina went the easiest route, which is why I can’t give them any credit for their jerseys. They seem like an Arena Football team’s uniforms, and that is certainly not a good thing.

The logo also: WE’RE SERIOUS!!! ARRGGGGHHHHHHH!!!

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26. Jacksonville Jaguars

1995 saw the introduction of two new NFL franchises: the Carolina Panthers and the Jacksonville Jaguars. Both suffer from a distinct case of mid-90s-itis (see also: Toronto Raptors): “in your face” color schemes with “look at how 1995 we are” logos. There’s nothing classic about either franchise’s look, but Jacksonville’s is undoubtedly worse.

Their uniforms aren’t necessarily “bad” in the traditional sense — they’re just completely without inspiration.

I'm not 100% sure this isn't a CFL photo.

1 Patrios vs. 4 Jaguars...I don't like the Jags' odds.

The problem with these photos is that they don’t show off Jacksonville’s glorious logo:

Ahhh…90s.

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27. Tampa Bay Buccaneers

During research, I read several individuals who referred to the Tampa Bay Bucs’ uniforms as “intimidating.”

Let me stop you right there, fella. These jerseys are not intimidating. The only sports team that has ever pulled off the color brown (sort of) is the Cleveland Browns. And I’m pretty sure that’s because they have to — it’s their name.

Sure, it’s not exactly “brown,” and the color in itself isn’t that bad.The problem is that it just doesn’t work with the Buccaneers’ particular shade of red.

Still not great, but better.

Okay, I changed my mind. This brown/gold/silver hybrid is terrible, and it ruins the Bucs’ uniforms.

At least their logo is pretty cool. They’re PIRATES, for crying out loud!

And it’s definitely better than their old one.

I’m pointing out the obvious, here, but their old logo is a bright orange, effeminate pirate with a creepy mustache and bushy sideburns…winking at you.

This looks like a patron attending a Castro District parade.

Lastly, this has nothing to do with their uniforms, but Tampa Bay has one of the coolest stadium features of all-time. They have a 103-foot pirate ship that fires cannons every time the team scores.

I'm sorry, but this is cool.

Change the brown(ish) to dark charcoal gray, and you’ve got yourself a winner of a jersey.

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28. Minnesota Vikings

Like Kansas City, Minnesota was another long-time franchise that thought of their uniforms as classic and iconic, relatively unchanged for decades. But one day, a discussion took place in their offices that went something like this:

Suit #1: “Enough of this! We’ve been unsuccessful for far too long! Let’s shake things up!”
Suit #2: “Yeah! Let’s add those modern stripes that were all the rage in 1997!”
(entire room roars in approval)
Suit #1: “And let’s awkwardly line the swirly stripes in yellow!”
(massive applause)

And this is what they came up with:

Remember that rule where white actually makes the away uniforms better?

Dismiss it for a moment.

I actually think these uniforms would be a lot better if the horns on their helmets were actual horns that extended a good 8-12 inches from the helmet.

And then their logo, which looks like a Hell’s Angel wearing a viking helmet:

The Vikings are in my 5 worst uniforms of the NFL, which I consider to be the “Atrocious” division. Next up, the “Blah” division.

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