Face Paint


Have you ever wondered what’s up with the sports tradition of face paint?

Why do people get so worked up about an upcoming game that they deck themselves not only in clothing that reflects the colors and iconography of their choice of sports team, but smear paint all over their face? Have you seen some Raiders fans? They don’t even look human.

Most modern American men will never be tried in combat. Sure, there are some brave men and women in the Middle East, bravely proving themselves in service to their country, but everyone else is getting their combat experience by playing Call of Duty and watching Saving Private Ryan.

…OR they consider their favorite sports team to be their side in a great battle. Just as Native Americans (and William Wallace) painted their faces in preparation for battle, these crazy fans do the same. And if they’re lucky enough to have a few crazy friends, they can all go shirtless and each bear a single letter on their hairy, beer-bellied abdomens, spelling out such creative slogans such as “GO PATS” or “NFL ON FOX.”

So that gave me an idea…

Tomorrow morning (Sunday), I’m painting the Christian flag on my face and I’m getting some styrofoam pointer fingers to pass out to the congregation. We’re going to get the people pumped up for the Pentecostal playoffs! We had a bye week last Sunday, but this week we go up against the Methodists, who defeated the Lutherans after a bitter struggle to gain the wild card spot. They have grit, but we’re on a roll. Our aisle-runners are fast as lightning, and I’m not sure their ushers are as consistent down the stretch as our own.

The only worry I have is that we’re almost sure to face the Southern Baptists in the championship service. They have experience on their side, but we have a young and fiery squad, eager to prove themselves. I like our chances.

It’s 2:23 AM, and I’m stupid. G’night.


3 thoughts on “Face Paint

  1. They say that defense wins championships, and Pentecostals don’t let you do ANYTHING (well, according to young people who don’t understand standards).

    I’d like to see them try to run up the score on us. Just cause they can’t go to dances…shoot…they ain’t got nothin’!


  2. ryanaustindean says:

    My post was silly.

    Your comment was maniacal.

  3. sorry, I was just blaring the LSU fight song from my desk for the whole entire bank to hear when I wrote that. I was… under the….ah….influence….


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