Shake, Shake, Shake!


You know what’s gross? When you throw up in your mouth in a public scenario in which it’s impossible to walk away and spit it out in a bathroom. So you swallow it. That’s gross.

You know what else is gross? Public restrooms. Everything is so WET! The floor around the toilets and urinals are wet. The sinks are wet. The walls are wet. The ceilings are wet (!). How did it get so wet? And why do we still use them? They’re gross!

But you know what’s gross that we don’t acknowledge? Shaking hands.

That’s right. I’m sick of shaking hands. It’s disgusting.


I am a man. As such, I am keenly aware of how many gentlemen walk into a bathroom, use it, and walk out without shaking their hands. If they see a friend outside the bathroom, what do they do? “How ya doin, Hank?”

*shake shake*

Unbeknownst to Hank, his hand was covered in filth. He doesn’t even realize it! But that’s what hand-shaking has done to us.

People pick their noses (just pay attention at red lights). They scratch their nasty heads with their hands. They cough into their hands. They wipe off snot with their hands. They have grease from their food on their hands. They handle change with their hands (don’t even get me started on how unsanitary our monetary system is).


Knowing that, we decide that our standard system of greeting one another is to place these filthy, disgusting, organic apparatuses against one another, overlap them, and then rub them around together. Everything we’ve done over the course of the day is transferred to the other person. And then, 15 minutes later at a red light, they pick their nose, and all of it is transferred into their body.

Why can’t we learn from Asian culture? A polite bow with absolutely ZERO physical interaction is polite and respectful. It’s perfectly sanitary, and I wish we had their good sense.

And how much do you want to bet that I’m going to be forced by societal norms to shake someone’s hand within 30 minutes of posting this blog?


2 thoughts on “Shake, Shake, Shake!

  1. Armando says:

    You know what they say,
    “You’ve got to scratch it if it itches, even if it’s in your britches.”

    Yeah, you’re right. Pretty gross.

  2. Anonymous says:

    My parents always taught me not to pee on my hands so I’m not sure why I should have to wash them. Maybe you should just learn to be careful. I mean, it’s a thought.

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