Hey! All right, everybody! It’s Columbus Day!
You’ve been waiting for it all year long! The anticipation was certainly killing you, I’m sure of it! Children world-wide have been staring intently at the clock, ticking down the seconds until the most beloved holiday of the Western Hemisphere finally arrived!
Honestly, did you even realize it was Columbus Day before reading this post? Does anyone care?
You know when I realized it was Columbus Day? When I pulled up to the post office and realized that those government workers were enjoying a nice day of relaxation at home instead of stamping, gathering, and shipping out our snail mail. Why doesn’t anyone care about Columbus Day anymore? Do holidays mean nothing to us?
I’ll tell you why no one cares about Columbus Day anymore…
Reason #1: Columbus was a shmuck.
In fourteen-hundred and ninety-two, Columbus sailed the ocean blue!
Give me a break. Columbus, inspired by the possibility of wealth and fame, started his voyage across the ocean and lucked out to find a “New World” instead of the trade route to Asia that he was hoping for. Whoops! Instead of being incredibly popular, I just accidentally paved the way for the greatest nation in the history of mankind that came along almost 300 years later.
Not so bad, huh? Well, hold on, because…
Reason #2: Columbus did not discover America.
You already know this. Big deal, right?
Okay, let’s say that in passing conversation, you make a hilarious and witty joke. The two of us laugh hysterically and you’re really proud that you made the joke, right? The next day, we’re in a crowd of a dozen or so people, and I steal your joke, word for word. Everyone dies laughing, and I don’t give you a bit of credit for any of it. Everyone begins talking about how funny I am, and you have to sit back and grit your teeth because it would seem snooty for you to take credit.
Would you be upset? Would it be unfair?
Now, Leif Ericson isn’t upset about not getting credit for America, I’m sure. He was long dead by the time the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria brought destruction, sickness, and horses to America. But C’MON!!! The sucker was in Newfoundland when Columbus’ great great great great great great (you get the idea) grandfather was in diapers!
Reason #3: How can you “discover” a hemisphere of a planet that already has MILLIONS (read that number again) of people living there? The short answer: you can’t.
Sure, they were barbarians, and they had their problems *COUGHAZTECFREAKSCOUGH*, but when several civilizations are already living in a place, you can’t really discover it.
Here’s another example: if I walk into Best Buy, take a look around, and scream, “LOOK AT WHAT I’VE DISCOVERED! OH MY GOD!” then people are going to thing I’m crazy. What they won’t do is create a holiday honoring me.
And post office workers will still have to go to work.